Open letter to the old guy in the locker room

[fur85]

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/27blowdry.html

[Pilgrim]

I say HOORAH! for the old guy.  Long may his balls flap!!  Let the young pecksniffian avert his eyes if he dares not bear witness.

[uwe]

Not to be recommended from a fertility aspect (but apart from that an act of freedom of expression). There is a reason, boys, why we have them dangling outside, Mother Nature had things in mind when she arranged for that. It wasn't just for quick access reasons you know.

Aldous Huxley knew it: "Rams wrapped in theremogene beget no lambs."  Note: For optimal fertile semen production, your balls need to be 2 degrees centigrades celsius colder than your body temperature. In Farenheit terms that translates to AT LEAST approx. 30 degrees difference - last I checked   - so get those ice cubes out now, preservation of the species demands sacrifices from all of us.

All that might not be an issue for an 84 year old, but it should be for the scribe of that silly open letter, Herr Ross Beeley, who obviously missed much of biology class. On second thought: Perhaps he should blow-dry his balls for eugenic reasons so that we are at least saved from his inane offspring.  

In my next post, by pubic request, I will go into the details of hot-water bathing of the scrotum and how that, if properly done, will keep your significant other from having to use the pill for a couple of weeks.

[the mojo hobo]

Aldous Huxley knew it: "Rams wrapped in theremogene beget no lambs."  Note: For optimal fertile semen production, your balls need to be 2 degrees centigrades celsius colder than your body temperature. In Farenheit terms that translates to AT LEAST approx. 30 degrees difference - last I checked   - so get those ice cubes out now, preservation of the species demands sacrifices from all of us.

Let me guess: math is not your best subject. Two degrees Celsius translates to about 3.5 degrees Farenheit. Normal body temperature of 98.6° F translates to 37° C, subtract the 2° for optimal fertility and you are down to 95° F. No ice cubes necessary.

[Basvarken]

That guy writes an awful lot of open letters...

[fur85]

Uwe, as usual you make a compelling case. However, in humid climates keeping a dry scrotum reduces scrotal yeast counts and it is not hard to imagine that lower yeast counts should reduce the frequency of yeast infections in your partner, increasing the opportunities to procreate. So from a preservation of the species perspective, I think blowing dry makes sense (84 year olds excepted).

[uwe]

Let me guess: math is not your best subject. Two degrees Celsius translates to about 3.5 degrees Farenheit. Normal body temperature of 98.6° F translates to 37° C, subtract the 2° for optimal fertility and you are down to 95° F. No ice cubes necessary.

Ah, shucks, I wanted to unsettle you guys a little ... (where is the little devil icon here ...). Of course I'm bad in math, that is why I have a law and not a business degree!

You spoiler.  

Flashthought: Of course, all you guys are deplorably circumcised already. That being in essence a drafty - wind chill factor! - business, you probably only need 2.5 as opposed to 3.5 Farenheit temperature decrease to populate the earth further.   

[uwe]

Uwe, as usual you make a compelling case. However, in humid climates keeping a dry scrotum reduces scrotal yeast counts and it is not hard to imagine that lower yeast counts should reduce the frequency of yeast infections in your partner, increasing the opportunities to procreate. So from a preservation of the species perspective, I think blowing dry makes sense (84 year olds excepted).

True. My bad. How could I miss it when Iron Maiden even wrote a song about it. No, not "Bring your Daughter to the Slaughter", the other one "Numb her with the Yeast" ...

"Woe to you O earth and sea, for the Devil sends the Yeast with wrath, because he knows the time is short.  Let him who hath understanding reckon the Number of the Yeast, for it is a human number.  Its number is six-hundred and sixty-six."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzGcYAF2lIA&feature=related