Warning signs the band you're about to see will suck

[pamlicojack]

A friend of mine sent me this.  If it steps on any toes, too bad; come up with your own suggestions...

I've seen hundreds of shows in my life. Played a couple hundred too. Over all these years of viewing and performing live music, I've developed a set of tell tale signs that the band or performer I'm about to see is going to be bad. As with any set of rules, there are exceptions, but more often than not, if you are about to witness a performance and one or more of these red flags is evident, chances are the band you are about to see is going to suck.

1) The drummer's drum set is huge.
Here's how it works. The larger the drum set, the more likely the band is going blow. As important as a drummer is to a group, it should always be remembered that they are essentially just there to keep a beat. One time in Germany, the drummer for the opening band had a gargantuan 12-piece kit complete with octagons, not one but three splash cymbals and the granddaddy indicator of sure band suckdom, a set of chimes hung behind him that he played every precious percussive chance he got. Good Lord, did they ever suck. I was embarrassed for them.

2) The bass player's bass has more than 4 strings.
They have a name for 6-string instruments. They are called guitars. Frank Zappa once said that nobody wants to be a bass player and that bass players were relegated to the duty because someone else in their first band was a better guitar player. Many bass players never get over this perceived slight and try to make up for it by playing more strings. They always fail.

3) The band's equipment is brand new.
Playing music is a dirty business. Bright and shiny equipment is a telling sign that the players are either new to the game or have way too much disposable income. Give me a band that's equipment looks like that it has been to hell and back. It shows that they have done this before.

4) One or more of the group's members is sporting a balding ponytail.
Of all this hairstyles, the balding ponytail is the one you should be most aware of if you want to avoid listening to awful music. And like genital crab infestations, where there's one balding ponytail, there's bound to be more. They always travel in packs. Balding ponytail players are usually trying to recapture some lost musical element of their youth and the results are, like their dubious taste in hairstyle, receding from listenable relevance. Also, balding ponytails are a clear indication that hippies are in the room. Never trust a hippie, ladies and gentlemen; they are holding all of us back in the collective unconscious. Trust me on this. They make you stupider by proximity.

5) The band keeps telling you to do things.
This has always been a pet peeve of mine. If the band's music doesn't move you to do things, no amount of cheerleading from the stage is going to either. Shut up already. If I wanted to be told what to do I would have joined the Army. I'm not a Pavlov dog and any band or performer that treats you as such should and must be treated with contempt. Singers, the most self obsessed members of any group, feel compelled to tell people to dance, put their hands in the air or to have a good time mostly to appease their raging egos because a flaccid response from an audience affects them the most as they are the audience's center of attention. While I understand and appreciate engaging singers, too many want to tell you what to do and how to do it. The good ones don't care.

6) After the set, you can't remember a single song the band played.
This happens a lot. If you can't hum or remember a single song a band has just played, that group sucks.

[Freuds_Cat]

generally speaking that about hits the nail on the head I think   

[gweimer]

Funny stuff.  My opinions:

1)  There are those 1 percenters that know how to use a big kit.  My last drummer was one.  I still prefer a small kit, preferably a guy that has a killer right foot and a single pedal kick.

2) Amen!

3) That might depend on what kind of equipment it was.  The reverse situation is the complete hacks that think owning cool vintage gear will make them play better.  If the gear is beat up, then they're probably poor and really good.   

4)  There are these things called HATS.  For me, nothing says "country" better than a good porkpie hat.  See also - Reeve Gabrels.  Deduct points if the guitarist is wearing a tux.

5)  A good front man can work a crowd.  I worked with one of the best back when I was young and almost innocent.

6)  Absolutely!

[Saf]

1) Amen!

2) Amen!

3) Yes, You really would stay with one of our gigs!

4)  Amen!

5)  A good frontman indeed must work the crowd but don't overdone it.

6)  That's a really good one.

[TBird1958]

Hits the nail on the head.........I wish our drummer ( has about two too many drums for me) would read this post!

I completely agree about aout the ponytailers and hippies 

[gweimer]

Hits the nail on the head.........I wish our drummer ( has about two too many drums for me) would read this post!

I completely agree about aout the ponytailers and hippies 

Except, of course, for purple ponytails, dangling boldly over each ear?   

[GonzoBass]

7.) The band's name appears to be an acronym
or has more than two umlauts and is completely unpronounceable.

8.) Full Marshall guitar stacks on both sides of the stage in a small club.

9.) The singer has a music stand.

10.) A reunion tour with only one of the original members

11.) The singer is wearing a T shirt with the bands name on it.

12.) Pedal boards of a size that would make NASA flinch.

13.) More than two guitars in stands on either side of the stage.

14.) The overpowering stench of patchouli in a crowd of 40+ year olds wearing tie dye.

15.) One word: Spandex.

[gweimer]

9) -LOL!  Nice.

10) - There were apparently a lot of players in Cincinnati that did those kinds of gigs.  They knew a promoter that would buy the rights to the band, and then slap together a tour with one "original" (or nearly) member.

[Freuds_Cat]

13.) More than two guitars in stands on either side of the stage.

OK I'm guilty of that.

When I did this for a living I used one main bass and one spare.

These days I play for fun and regard my basses as toys to be played with so I usually have 3 and sometimes 4.

[lowend1]

7.) The band's name appears to be an acronym
or has more than two umlauts and is completely unpronounceable.

8.) Full Marshall guitar stacks on both sides of the stage in a small club.

9.) The singer has a music stand.

10.) A reunion tour with only one of the original members

11.) The singer is wearing a T shirt with the bands name on it.

12.) Pedal boards of a size that would make NASA flinch.

13.) More than two guitars in stands on either side of the stage.

14.) The overpowering stench of patchouli in a crowd of 40+ year olds wearing tie dye.

15.) One word: Spandex.

Gonzo FTW!
...but you forgot a couple:

16) A keytar

17) A headless bass

[Dave W]

Never allow a drummer to have more than one mic. It makes everyone else happy.

[Lightyear]

18) The band has it's own $5000.00 "light show" for a small club date - even worse if they own a fog machine. 

9) I would say anyone has a music stand - unless, of couse, it is a pit band or orchestra type setting.

[Rhythm N. Bliss]

Numero Uno couldn't be further from the truth!
To the contrary, the BEST shows I've seen are the bands with Double Bass Drummers!!
From my very first concert at age 15 in 1968 hallucinating on CREAM & thinking Ginger Baker was the Greatest Thing I Had Ever Seen!!

Cozy Powell RIP He left us April 5th, 1998
One of the Best Double Bass Drummers!!
Check out all his cool youtube vids! Then watch your favs tomorrow.
Here's a great one:



I disagree with almost all of these.

The worst bands really SUCK because:

1- They are wimpy putzes with high voices

2- Their songs stick in your head even tho you don't want them to! ARRRGH!

3- They play $hitkickin' music

4- They scream "Rock And Roll!" a lot

[lowend1]

To the contrary, the BEST shows I've seen are the bands with Double Bass Drummers!!
From my very first concert at age 15 in 1968 hallucinating on CREAM & thinking Ginger Baker was the Greatest Thing I Had Ever Seen!!

And there ya go!
Seriously, there are very few double kick drummers who can resist the urge to overplay. Cozy was undoubtedly one of them. Tommy Aldridge was great with the "classic" Pat Travers lineup  and Ozzy (never liked the Whitesnake years). Simon Phillips bears mentioning, as does Carmine Appice - maybe Mick Tucker from Sweet and Les Binks... Dave Holland had two kicks with Priest, but he rarely played them the way he did in Trapeze.
Personally I never understood the appeal of Ginger Baker. It always sounded to me like he just grabbed a handful of sticks and threw them in the general vicinity of the drumkit at semi-regular intervals. I'm just sayin'...

[Chris P.]

+1 on everything:)