My first gig...well, almost. This could only happen to me.

[ack1961]

One for the ages - I think my career came and went in one night.

As some of you may know, I'm really just a noodler who gets to jam with my kids upstairs and have never set foot on a stage.

A local church threw together a benefit dinner for 200 people to help fund an event for 15-16 year old kids making their communion.
My kids volunteered to play and were given 45 min-1 hour to play.  We all figured there would be a room full of teenagers and their parents, so my kids (and their other guitarist, Lee) all want me to learn their songs and covers and play with them for this show.
I semi-reluctantly agreed and busted my ass to learned everything.

I also volunteered to help the show organizer do whatever they needed from me -  now, I was thinking along the line of setting up tables or maybe serving a few meatballs...
Nope...I was asked to supply the PA (which I don't own), drums and the backline (2 guitar amps and bass amp) for the event. 
So, I go out and buy whatever I needed to fill out our PA - Crown XTI amp,  2 Creative Acoustic monitors and a used roller cabinet with a power conditioner.  We use our mixer, mains, mics and whatever other gear we can find in the house.  We supply 3 vocal mics and mic the 2 guitar amps and bass amp.

We haul the PA system, amps, guitars, basses, and drum kit.  I was told that I can get there at 1PM and have until showtime (6PM) to dial in the sound.  We get there at 1PM and there is one 15A wall outlet near the stage. I should have run right then and there.  Anyway, we get the gear setup by 3PM.  The room is a good sized annex to the church and at 3PM or so, I'm getting the drums and bass dialed in when the other band shows up for their 4PM sound check...just then, a door opens from the church area and a priest is giving me the "international shut the hell up signal".  I ask him what the problem is and he tells me that he has confessions going on until 5 and they can't hear themselves pray - I kid you not.  I ask when he'll be done, and he tells me "5PM...and then I have Spanish mass until 6PM...basically, you can't make any noise until 6PM".

Now, here comes the odd part: The guy running the show (Al) is kinda elderly, and pretty crazy.  Nice man, but he's a loon.  He tells me that he has vertigo as of last night and warns me that now he can't hear very well.  He also tells me that he invited the Monday night Bingo crowd in for the dinner and entertainment - they're thinking salad, soft food, coffee, Sinatra, Perry Como...uh oh.

Anyway, the other band (younger kids with completely overbearing parents) that came in at 4PM to sound check are now pretty pissed that they won't get one. They look to me for answers.  I have none - except, "try and roll with it". They also didn't feel they had to contribute to the benefit by buying 2 tickets for the benefit dinner, so they march out all huffy and say they're coming back at 8PM (their stage time).  I'm not religious, but I was praying for a lightning strike to get the parents at wherever they were going to dinner.

Here's where it gets weirder:  Al gives me a list of names of performers and I walk around, find them and ask them their requirements for sound and stage.  One woman hands me 3 CD's with one MP3 on each, another guy says he has his own PA system, and another overbearing father says he needs the stage completely clear for his kids to dance to some canned music (realistically, they need 4 x 10 ft.).  He tells me that I must move the drums and all the equipment off the stage and the girls are doing 1 song, and then coming back later (after one of the other band plays) to do another 3 minute dance.  I tell him that there is no way I'm clearing that stage twice.  I told him that I'll make all the room I need to make it kid safe. 

Things are going along well, but Al keeps taking the house mic and going on stage to make announcements before the acts are finished. He's a wonderful old man, but he's completely out of sorts (but, I must say that the FOH is mixed perfectly as he rambles incoherently on stage).

The kid band shows up and a-hole father walks up with a Marshall combo amp and tells me that he wants his daughter to play through her amp and not Vox we have mic'd on stage.  Sure thing, dad...no problem.  We get 'em all setup and I'm told the drummer needs to sing through her wireless system, not a hard-wired system - no problem.  Here's a great thing: Dad puts another vocal mic on center stage and drapes the cable over my sound board.  Apparently, the tiny little girl up front "sings" into a dead mic and looks all cute, but  I wasn't aware of this, so I plug in the XLR and un-mute that channel.  The kids do fine - everyone (except, that dad) enjoy the show.  He's pissed that I plugged her in, I guess (I never got their official rider). Anyway, now that I know what his intentions were, I'm grinning ear-to-ear.  Hey, if I gotta go on stage tonight and play for real, everyone does.

Now, come the weird part.  My kids band is up next.  Crazy Al takes the mic on stage, announces the 50/50 winning ticket number, hands out the prize, and thanks everyone for coming - the show is over (it's 9PM).  You'd have thought that they were giving away that pudding in the parking lot because that place emptied out like someone pulled the fire alarm.  My kids and I sat there as Al handed me back the mic - we were all laughing.  4 rehearsals with me filling in on bass, all the money I spent, and especially all the loading, hauling, unloading, setting up and now 2 hours of tear-down, haul, unload..been there since 1PM.  I have 2 hockey games the next morning and I'm already sore.

Now, tables and chairs are being folded and there's 20 people left doing clean-up detail. We decide to play a few songs for the kitchen staff and laborers, and it was fun as hell.

Funny thing is that my wife (who has been waiting for years to finally get video of me playing) is so confused about the past 30 minutes that she forgets to turn the video camera on for our shorty set.  I don't know if they were just being nice, but the kids say that they've never sounded so good - that made my night.

So, I'm going out while I'm on top and retiring from the music scene - the road has taken its toll.

[Pilgrim]

This is something you and your son will chuckle about forever!

And isn't is great that you were there to manage this cluster function?  The kids would have been totally outnumbered; it took a mature adult (sore from hockey, so no pushover) to maintain some bit of sanity and control over the chain of events.

I salute you, and think that you took at least a silver medal as Olympic-quality Dad this weekend!!!  (The Ukranian judge was out of sorts and distracted by loading his AK-47.)

[slinkp]

Heroic, and tragi-comic!

Clearly the problem is not with your life as a performer.  It's with being volunteer stage manager for amateurs. It sound like you did an admirable job of keeping things mostly working.  It could have easily been a total disaster.

Next time they ask you to organize, remember that you do have the option to politely say no

[uwe]

Never have so many owed so much to just one!

[Psycho Bass Guy]

Congrats, you are officially a REAL bass player now! 

[lowend1]

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I smell the makings of a sitcom.

[uwe]

"One for the ages - I think my career came and went in one night."

Don't you think he overstayed his welcome a little by modern standards? 



How prophetic - and he didn't even know about the internet yet.

[ack1961]

Thanks all - we're still at home chuckling about this...and looking for a place to put all the extra PA gear.

This has been the third time my kids have volunteered at an "event" at this church and they make you want to tear your hair out.
The good news is that it went so bat-shit crazy that we just got a full pardon by the Mrs. for all future shows of any sorts at St. Bernadette's.

As a side note  - as crazy old man Al took the stage in the middle of someones act to make an announcement, I made a pact with my youngest son:
Me: "Nick, if I ever get that friggin' looney tune, please kill me in my sleep."
Nick: "You got it, Dad" (who hugged me as he stared at the stage).

So, I got THAT going for me...

[Pilgrim]

Perhaps it would be best to seek some non-church opportunities.

Seeing as how the folks who coordinate the church's activities could put one hand firmly in their hip pocket, then be unable to find their ass with the other hand.

[ack1961]

Perhaps it would be best to seek some non-church opportunities.

Seeing as how the folks who coordinate the church's activities could put one hand firmly in their hip pocket, then be unable to find their ass with the other hand.

The kids have other gigs they play, but they keep getting volunteered/volunteering for these things.  I blame "suspect parenting" on my part.

They're going to stick to dive bars, where the people are a little less crazy and a bit more predictable.

On another note (no pun intended), I want to thank everyone who suggested in a previous thread (where I almost played my first gig), that I should keep it simple, stick the roots, and forget about all the crazy tuning. The kids played songs in Drop-C, C-standard and Drop-D.  I tuned to EADG for everything, and had a blast...and I got to play my US Sarzo!

[gweimer]

It's this kind of stuff that I love about this place.  This is the story that will be passed along for a generation or two.  Well done!

[Pilgrim]

They're going to stick to dive bars, where the people are a little less crazy and a bit more predictable.

Oh, gawd.  LMAO at the comparison between church and dive bars!!!!

[Aussie Mark]

Sounds familiar, only instead of wannabe rockstar kids with overbearing parents, I've often seen adult original bands act that way at multi-band original shows.  At the club venues my tribute and cover bands play at, we would get a sound check at less than 10% of the gigs - most of the time we are not allowed to make a noise until show time, because people are eating meals, or there is a meat raffle being drawn, or a football game in on the TV.  We're used to it.

[rahock]

Well, the whole thing went down in a church, so God definitely witnessed the ordeal . You should get a pass on a couple major screw ups for this. I don't know exactly what the rule book has on this, but I'm sure you end up good
Rick

[Highlander]

I wouldn't sell off the gear quite yet... think of all those come-back tours...