The Last Bass Outpost
Main Forums => The Outpost Cafe => Topic started by: gweimer on August 30, 2013, 02:57:58 PM
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I found this on FB. I can't say if it's legit, but it is pretty funny.
ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
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Brilliant as usual fromJC
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OMG to funny The bit about the Scots..............so true. I can say that.
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Funny but not written by John Cleese and not new, either. I saw almost the exact same "alerts" back when the London bus or train bombings happened (2005?). Wouldn't surprise me if it were even older than that.
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Not very likely that John Cleese ever wrote that, an Englishman would write "re-categorized" with an s. The bit about the French is another clue that it was written by an American, the surrender-monkey stereotype was invented by Americans when France didn't want to support the second Gulf War. The rest of the world holds a different view to the French, they are no pushovers. Just a little annoying and arrogant, maybe. ;)
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I found this on Snopes, which has a few lines that were omitted in my OP.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/terrorismalert.asp (http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/terrorismalert.asp)
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There's also a piece floating around the web called Revocation of America's Independence (or something close to that), also supposedly written by John Cleese. He didn't write that one, either.
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... The bit about the Scots...
[heed-butt] Stitch thaat, paaal... [heed-butt-agin] ;D