(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/561760_438672992866516_2018862128_n.jpg)
Ha!
In a remarkable coincidence, you can find online that the same conversation took place between American ships and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in 1995. Word for word! What are the odds? :)
Every now and then, the Newfs get the vindication they so rightly deserve (I am assuming y'all are aware of their status up here as regards the jokes). ... whether or not it actually happened, we've kinda agreed to let them have it as reparations/penance.
Quote from: Dave W on December 04, 2012, 02:11:35 PM
In a remarkable coincidence, you can find online that the same conversation took place between American ships and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in 1995. Word for word! What are the odds? :)
Imperialists are alike everywhere.
[stiff-upper-lip] I hate to point out that there has not been an aircraft carrier by that name, dear chap... but our Government committed a serious faux-pas by de-commisioning Her Majesties Yacht Brittania... [/stiff-upper-lip]
"[stiff-upper-lip] I hate to point out ..."
Well, at least stiff something! :mrgreen:
A stiff Scotch in a large measure... ;)
I shouldn't have said word for word, since the ship in the US-Canadian version is either the USS Coral Sea or the USS Abraham Lincoln.
According to snopes (http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp), the story goes back at least as far as 1931.
It's funny even if it didn't happen. Perception is reality to most people anyway.
Egads, both my kids are dating Irish-rooted people, a McMichael and a Quinn. Should I be concerned??? As German-Scotsman-Englishman, I do try to be openminded aout these things!
As much a myth as this here most likely, but still funny:
"Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop, the pilot obviously lost.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going, nein?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before zen?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, ... and though there were enough search lights I didn't land."
(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQB4M0-gDDUj35yHD_1YHET2ZxrKyWaOUqzZt1_e9sN1FXsXOilFg)
ZING!
:rimshot:
Quote from: HERBIE on December 04, 2012, 04:45:17 PM
A stiff Scotch in a large measure... ;)
Large dram sounds more authentic. What you said sounds like a description of a sexually aroused Jack Bruce playing a bar of 32/4.
(http://i46.tinypic.com/11bp7ck.jpg)
Scotts
They sure as heck ain't Irish
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoUV5d09JZw
Quote from: 4stringer77 on December 05, 2012, 11:44:05 AM
Large dram sounds more authentic. What you said sounds like a description of a sexually aroused Jack Bruce playing a bar of 32/4.
NTTAWWT. 8)
I once met a Scott from Shetland (in Prague of all places). Nobody new his nameso they all called him Shetland. After a pint you couldn't understand a word the fugger said.... which is probably why nobody knew his actual name.
Quote from: 4stringer77 on December 05, 2012, 11:44:05 AM
Large dram sounds more authentic. What you said sounds like a description of a sexually aroused Jack Bruce playing a bar of 32/4.
Back home they'd be calling it a "wee drrrram" ;D
Quote from: Granny Gremlin on December 05, 2012, 12:25:15 PM
I once met a Scott from Shetland (in Prague of all places). Nobody new his nameso they all called him Shetland. After a pint you couldn't understand a word the fugger said.... which is probably why nobody knew his actual name.
I knew a woman from Skye, & she sounded kinda German in her accent. What a woman though!
Quote from: Big_Stu on December 05, 2012, 04:28:25 PM
I knew a woman from Skye, & she sounded kinda German in her accent. What a woman though!
Did she have huge.....tracts of land? (See 1:30)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk
Quote from: Pilgrim on December 05, 2012, 06:55:38 PM
Did she have huge.....tracts of land?
She did actually; though they were quite a bit further south than you would have expected to find them on a map.
Isle of Skye, eh?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqtFnAZu1YI
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v476/Maddogcole/Ochone_6781_lo.jpg)
Michty me!
Great videos guys! What a lot of laughs I got out of them!
Aye... grrrand stuff frrra ma late cousin Dhomhuill...
Anyone here NOT know the Scotsmans clan joke...?
Quote from: HERBIE on December 06, 2012, 03:40:25 PM
......
Anyone here NOT know the Scotsmans clan joke...?
Not that I recall... enlighten us, please.
Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
How do you tell a Scotsman's Clan...?
If he has a couple of half-pounders under the kilt he must be a Macdonald, and probably answer to the name Big Mac... :o
Wee Jimmy, slightly the worse for wear, was standing, but only just, at the back watching the funeral of his good friend Jock and after they had lowered the coffin into the ground and the euology had been said he gently pushed his way to the front, unzipped, and started to p*ss into the grave...
Understandably, there was total uproar...
The Priest held the men-folk back and demanded an explanation for the disgraceful behaviour they had all witnessed...
"Wull... Jock hud usked ma t' pour a buttle of best Malt o'wer his grave an' a fit he wudna mind if ah passed it through ma system furst..."
To which they all patted him on the back for such a grand gesture...
Gary's last joke is well known here as an Ole and Lena joke. When Lena finds out the first five words are free, she tells the man at the desk to put "Ole died. Boat for sale."
Little known fact; it was two Scots that invented copper wire.
They were fighting over a penny that they found in the street.
I got those jokes on a Scottish Vacations travel website.