The Last Bass Outpost
Main Forums => The Outpost Cafe => Topic started by: OldManC on November 14, 2009, 03:06:12 PM
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Scott mentioned in another thread that he was adopted, and I was surprised because I didn't remember it coming up before. I was adopted too, so I'm always interested when I find others who were. Uwe mentioned something I also have an interest in and Scott asked a little about my situation, so rather than jack the other thread I thought I'd start a new one.
Scott, I immediately thought of your brother as well. I'm glad you guys weren't split up. Kudos to your mom and dad for taking you both! As for me, My story is (in a nutshell) this:
My parents had six daughters. My mom reached the age (43) where the doc said not to get pregnant again, so they decided to adopt. My parents were very open with me about my being adopted and I mostly avoided any hangups about it. I remember seeing some TV movie as a kid that chronicled the horrible life some kid thought they had because they were adopted and I thought it was the dumbest thing I'd ever seen. My parents were the people who loved and raised me. Who took me to the doctor and dentist all those years and made sure I went to school. Who sat up with me when I was sick and kicked my butt when it needed kicking. I love my parents and miss them every single day since they've been gone.
But, in another instance of life taking such interesting twists and turns, in my 20's I became acquainted with my birth mother, and after that my birth father. That time was actually the one era in my life where my being adopted got a little weird for me. I felt really guilty about having any type of relationship with them at all, because it felt like I was somehow betraying my parents. At the same time, it was amazing seeing my facial features on another person... Luckily, they both were very respectful of my 'space' and let me call all the shots. It took a few years before I worked through that weird feeling and sort of put everything in its place.
I've often been amazed at the similarities I share with my birth parents. That being said, I'm also very much like my parents (my father especially as I get older). That whole nature/nurture thing is something I have first hand experience with!
Like Scott said, it's an interesting life...
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George wow thanks for sharing your story. I have to keep this short I am headed out the door to a gig. My folks were very up front about us being adopted, I still remember the story they told of our adoption, one of my earliest memories. A few years ago I looked for our birth parents but no one had registered looking for us, I did however get the complete social workers report on our birth parents....................... Interesting reading ! Like you George being adopted has never been a issue, just how things were. More later
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As I posted in Scott's thread, I'll not repeat it here, but my mum-in-law never thought of her "real" mum as "mum"... her 4 daughters always thought of their "gran" as the real one, even post finding the "real" one... anyway, having a Belgian stepdad with the name Van-Damme (probably no relation?)sounds much better than Swane...
The American side of the family's story is neatly twisted (much more than I'll put into print here - more "soap" than any soap I've ever heard of... honest...!) and we never knew of it until the reunion in 2003 (my wife's first return to the USofA since 2 weeks before JFK's trip to Dallas) and her uncle started to look awfully sheepish when a family friend came out with the stories...
My wifes US grandma was pregnant when they married, not with the husbands child. Her grandfather loved her gran and raised the child as his own, and the 2 sons they eventually had of their own... the family are all dark haired, except for my wife's dad, who was nearly a foot taller than all the rest, and blond... just the tip of the iceberg...
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I was adopted. My parents never hid that fact from me. My mother had a miscarriage in the early 60's and was told she couldn't have kids after that, hence I was adopted into their family. A few years ago when my wife and I were talking about having kids I decided to start a search for my biological parents (for medical histories) and was told that the records were sealed by Catholic Social Services. I was given a few facts about them, but no identification information. To this day I still can't get any medical records or any information from CSS without a lawyer. I now have three kids and found out after their births that they all carry beta thalassemia. I had no clue that I was a carrier.
My 'legal' parents have never been anything but wonderful to me and my sister (also adopted) and I don't have any hard feelings towards my biological parents for putting me up. I do have a bit of an issue with CSS for not revealing more information. I would like to at least know my backgound and possibly a name, but I don't really feel like working too hard to find this out at this time. I have mixed feeling about it...
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My wifes US grandma was pregnant when they married, not with the husbands child. Her grandfather loved her gran and raised the child as his own, and the 2 sons they eventually had of their own... the family are all dark haired, except for my wife's dad, who was nearly a foot taller than all the rest, and blond... just the tip of the iceberg...
Did her grandparents have a neighbor named Ferd Berffle? :-X
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Did her grandparents have a neighbor named Ferd Berffle? :-X
You bet your bippy!
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Plain livin' Kentuckian mount'n folks...
When we were taken up into the hills where the old "farm" was (AKA "Deliverance") we passed a sign that had the family name on it, and I suggested dropping in on the way back... turned out to be a 1st cousin of her uncle's that he hadn't seen since childhood... loads of gran'kids in the yard, and he had the classic oily baseball cap, bib'n'braces overalls, and a shotgun over his shoulder... got some great family shots that day (with the camera, of course) ...
(Someone put me out of my misery... Ferd Berfle...? a USAism...?)
Jackie's uncle lived in a "dry county", but had a bottle of "the real thing..." which he made me try... quite shocked to find that it tasted as smooth as a top of the line single malt... 8)
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Ferd Berffle was a character in an ongoing Laugh-In skit called The Farkel Family. Ferd was the Farkels' next door neighbor and best friend. All the Farkel kids had red hair and freckles and wore glasses, just like Ferd, and nobody seemed to notice.
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And for this pop culture reference, Dave receives the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate award. ;D
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I suspect Dave of being distantly related to Sparkle Farkle.
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Sorry, I shouldn't have injected this into a serious thread.
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I was adopted. My parents never hid that fact from me. My mother had a miscarriage in the early 60's and was told she couldn't have kids after that, hence I was adopted into their family. A few years ago when my wife and I were talking about having kids I decided to start a search for my biological parents (for medical histories) and was told that the records were sealed by Catholic Social Services. I was given a few facts about them, but no identification information. To this day I still can't get any medical records or any information from CSS without a lawyer. I now have three kids and found out after their births that they all carry beta thalassemia. I had no clue that I was a carrier.
My 'legal' parents have never been anything but wonderful to me and my sister (also adopted) and I don't have any hard feelings towards my biological parents for putting me up. I do have a bit of an issue with CSS for not revealing more information. I would like to at least know my backgound and possibly a name, but I don't really feel like working too hard to find this out at this time. I have mixed feeling about it...
This is a subject that is chock full of conflicting and complex emotions. You are wise to tread carefully, because your own feelings may (understandably) surprise you down the road. In 1964, my sister got pregnant at 18 and out of wedlock. As I'm sure many here will know, attitudes toward the subject were far different then, and the child (a girl) was given up for adoption through Catholic Charities. As a four-year-old at the time, I knew nothing - and actually didn't find out about it until I was in my twenties. Without getting too far into a complicated situation, I'll say that contact was initiated from the other side, and we were all very excited about the prospect - but things are never that simple, and the situation rapidly deteriorated. However, I'm glad that the contact was made and that some measure of closure was achieved, but it was at considerable cost to those who were personally and directly involved.
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We have a partially similar but multi-generational story, but too many people living to go further... let's just say that if someone wrote the script it would get thrown back as "just plain unrealistic"... a future writing project... just the names to be changed...
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This is a subject that is chock full of conflicting and complex emotions. You are wise to tread carefully, because your own feelings may (understandably) surprise you down the road. In 1964, my sister got pregnant at 18 and out of wedlock. As I'm sure many here will know, attitudes toward the subject were far different then, and the child (a girl) was given up for adoption through Catholic Charities. As a four-year-old at the time, I knew nothing - and actually didn't find out about it until I was in my twenties. Without getting too far into a complicated situation, I'll say that contact was initiated from the other side, and we were all very excited about the prospect - but things are never that simple, and the situation rapidly deteriorated. However, I'm glad that the contact was made and that some measure of closure was achieved, but it was at considerable cost to those who were personally and directly involved.
That happened in our family as well. I do not remember her being pregnant. She recently found her son and got aquanted with him. She started getting too close and he eventually told her he did not want her contacting him. Its sad as it was her only child she will ever have/ had.
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She started getting too close and he eventually told her he did not want her contacting him.
There are so many emotions and dynamics that come up when even thinking of contacting the biological 'side'. The attorney that handled my adoption was my maternal uncle. When I was 16, my mom had him mail me whatever information he had so I would have that option if I ever wanted it. It was interesting but I didn't do anything with it until I was 18. Then I got kind of curious and ended up speaking with my biological mother over the phone. Once. As far as I was concerned, that was all I needed. She, being pretty cool and very respectful of my family, waited until I was 23 before contacting me again and basically saying, "It's time", while asking if I wouldn't mind exchanging pictures and letters. Even after we met in person 18 months later she always let me set the pace.
I've gone back and forth over the years as to what I'd advise others in that situation to do. Though my story ended well, it's a bell that can't be 'un-rung'. I just wish the law would catch up with the times in this particular area and allow for some means of contact for those adults who might want it.
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The "legal" danger is the "precedent..." How about the child of a sperm or egg donor to a fertility clinic...? Eventually we will all be "on file", somewhere, and the information will be freely available, but it will not be a better place... It is good to know your "roots", your "history", from a medical perspective, let alone anything else... Closure is very important...
I consider myself very lucky to be able to trace back as far as I can, but there is an old proverb... It is a wise man that knows their own father...
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My wife and her sister are adopted. She fully considers the parents that raised her to be her true parents. She also says she has zero interest in ever learning anything about her biological parents (and I believe her because she has never brought it up in the 20+ years I've known her). She feels like they did the best they could for her by putting her up for adoption. She has always known that she was adopted and seems to be totally fine with it. I've known a couple of adoptee's that seemed very bothered by the fact that they were given up by their parents. Things affect all of us differently tho.
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Very interesting and moving thread and I'm glad we have something like that here. As a non-adoptee (or any adoptees in my immediate circle) I can only speculate about my feelings, but I think I would want to know my biological parents eventually without wishing to upstage the place of my legal parents in my heart.
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I have a friend who was adopted, his father got a Japanese girl pregnant, which caused her great shame, so she came to the US to have the baby, then put it up for adoption. Somehow he found her, called her and she told him to never call her again. She recently died and to his surprise he was her only living relative and inherited her house in Malibu!
I had a horrible family upbringing, abusive father, mentaly ill mother. Many times I wish I were adopted by another family.
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She recently died and to his surprise he was her only living relative and inherited her house in Malibu!
I had a horrible family upbringing, abusive father, mentaly ill mother. Many times I wish I were adopted by another family.
:o Maybe that'll make up a little for the slight of not wanting contact. Maybe the cultural background would explain it some. I'm sure it still hurt, but maybe not as personally.
In all seriousness, I'm sorry that your upbringing was troubled. Hearing you talk about your life would never have given me that impression though, so it seems you were able to build a better life than the one you were given. I commend you for that. Many people with far less hurtful disadvantages never make that leap.
I've had a few close friends over the years who were adopted. That common trait always created a bond that allowed for some interesting conversation. Another thing thing we share is the absolute knowledge that the family we were raised with is our family, for good or bad. My family might have grown a little bit when I met my biological parents (who are not together) and liked them enough to continue contact, but they never have nor ever will take the place of my Mom and Dad. Uwe, I think you've got it right...
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I try to leave it in the past. The biggest challenge I had was not to repeat my parents with my own children. We went to a lot of family counseling to be trained on how to be good parents. I had no idea on how to raise a kid, I certainly was not going to be like my father. I confronted him when he was dying with cancer about his behavior and he still would not apologize or explain it.
People spend a lot of money for dog training but don't do anything to learn about raising their own kids.
My brother's son (my nephew) got a girl pregnant in highschool, they put her up for adoption. They ended up with an open adoption, where all the families are allowed to interact. So she has 8 grandparents, a lot of cousins and she even takes trips with her biological father & grand parents. She is surrounded with a lot of love.
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Very interesting and moving thread and I'm glad we have something like that here. As a non-adoptee (or any adoptees in my immediate circle) I can only speculate about my feelings, but I think I would want to know my biological parents eventually without wishing to upstage the place of my legal parents in my heart.
While my parents were alive it never entered my mind to look for the biorents, my brother felt the same way also. Mom and Dad were well................ Mom and Dad ! :) Only long after they passed and there was a period when my brother would not talk to me for a couple of years, I felt very isolated I though well maybe I should look for our birth parents. Cath always wanted to look after Charlotte was born................... for the family history stuff. I did get a lot of back ground and social work reports about my biorents but nothing really meaning full. Truth be told I was very sad that no one had inquired about us. Bimom was just 16 when she gave birth. Adoption not a big deal for me................................. a twin brother now that's another story!
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One thing that I have always thought about kids that were adopted is that the adopting parents really wanted these kids. I also have to believe that, even many years ago, the prospective parents were screened in some fashion - I know that today the scrutiny is intense.
Reading John's post made me think about this and my family and upbringing - I feel grateful for what I had. While we had plenty of rough spots we knew we were loved and well provided for - though no one could say we were spoiled. I had it worse than quite a few kids but looking back on it on I think I had it better than many.
I work with a guy, early to mid fifties, that just adopted 3 year old twins that he and his wife had been fostering - this is love and commitment and these kids are in for a really good life. They have already raised three of their own.