A friend of mine sent me this. If it steps on any toes, too bad; come up with your own suggestions...
I’ve seen hundreds of shows in my life. Played a couple hundred too. Over all these years of viewing and performing live music, I’ve developed a set of tell tale signs that the band or performer I’m about to see is going to be bad. As with any set of rules, there are exceptions, but more often than not, if you are about to witness a performance and one or more of these red flags is evident, chances are the band you are about to see is going to suck.
1) The drummer’s drum set is huge.
Here’s how it works. The larger the drum set, the more likely the band is going blow. As important as a drummer is to a group, it should always be remembered that they are essentially just there to keep a beat. One time in Germany, the drummer for the opening band had a gargantuan 12-piece kit complete with octagons, not one but three splash cymbals and the granddaddy indicator of sure band suckdom, a set of chimes hung behind him that he played every precious percussive chance he got. Good Lord, did they ever suck. I was embarrassed for them.
2) The bass player’s bass has more than 4 strings.
They have a name for 6-string instruments. They are called guitars. Frank Zappa once said that nobody wants to be a bass player and that bass players were relegated to the duty because someone else in their first band was a better guitar player. Many bass players never get over this perceived slight and try to make up for it by playing more strings. They always fail.
3) The band’s equipment is brand new.
Playing music is a dirty business. Bright and shiny equipment is a telling sign that the players are either new to the game or have way too much disposable income. Give me a band that’s equipment looks like that it has been to hell and back. It shows that they have done this before.
4) One or more of the group’s members is sporting a balding ponytail.
Of all this hairstyles, the balding ponytail is the one you should be most aware of if you want to avoid listening to awful music. And like genital crab infestations, where there’s one balding ponytail, there’s bound to be more. They always travel in packs. Balding ponytail players are usually trying to recapture some lost musical element of their youth and the results are, like their dubious taste in hairstyle, receding from listenable relevance. Also, balding ponytails are a clear indication that hippies are in the room. Never trust a hippie, ladies and gentlemen; they are holding all of us back in the collective unconscious. Trust me on this. They make you stupider by proximity.
5) The band keeps telling you to do things.
This has always been a pet peeve of mine. If the band’s music doesn’t move you to do things, no amount of cheerleading from the stage is going to either. Shut up already. If I wanted to be told what to do I would have joined the Army. I’m not a Pavlov dog and any band or performer that treats you as such should and must be treated with contempt. Singers, the most self obsessed members of any group, feel compelled to tell people to dance, put their hands in the air or to have a good time mostly to appease their raging egos because a flaccid response from an audience affects them the most as they are the audience’s center of attention. While I understand and appreciate engaging singers, too many want to tell you what to do and how to do it. The good ones don’t care.
6) After the set, you can’t remember a single song the band played.
This happens a lot. If you can’t hum or remember a single song a band has just played, that group sucks.
